My eyes are dried out. It finally hit me and all I could do was cry. Big tears. Longing to leave my body. They wouldn’t stop. All the facades found to be only allusions of a recreated being. It was like looking into a mirror for the first time in what seems to be forever. Understanding doesn’t always come easy. Sometimes it takes staring hard into blunt realities. The adding up of all the logic in the world won’t provide the answer. Feelings have to be given permission to do their thing. Completely and utterly letting go of everything that holding on doesn’t allow. Realizing that it is ok to be vulnerable and imperfect more for myself than for anyone else. A mess of emotions running out with the tears. This is what being human is all about. Admitting to myself that I can’t do it all. I can’t be everything or everywhere I want to be. Just a speck. A twinkle. Grain of sand. Moment in time. Not able to be anything more or less than what God has created me to be. I wasn’t created to be able to do it all.
Understanding what happened a little better. What I must have made you feel like. We both felt helpless and victimized by the changes. Change is hard. Like taking all of our creations and turning them inside out until they are no longer recognizable by the same terms. For instance our favorite spot to sit and talk, where we go to get our coffee, or what makes our relationship different from others. It starts because something that once was. is less frequent and we convince ourselves that it is better to be completely banished than to be defined in different terms such as infrequent. It fits into an “all” or “nothing” mentality that ruins anything that might remain. Destroying the whole relationship and not working through the difficulties of change. Looking back I see it so clearly, but what do I do when the roles have changed? I feel like all the challenges still exist and I am part of their remains. Trying to hold on to the core while everything around it is morphing into something different.