The Song For Now

This weekend I heard this song and I hadn't heard it in awhile. It stopped me in my tracks and the answer to the questions was a resounding "No"...

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open doors
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies
That filled our minds
You knew how I loved you
But my spirit was free
Laughin' at the questions
That you once asked of me

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we'll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open doors
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

Deep Creek 08

The family vacation has drawn to a close. I will admit I had a great time although I had higher hopes and set myself for some disappointment. Overall I learned that loving isn’t easy. It isn’t always romantic. It isn’t always fun. It is work. Looking back over the last few days I don’t think I did a very good job. I am very selfish and individualistic. I don’t always look for the best in everyone and I don’t always listen with an open mind and an open heart. I don’t try to have conversations that don’t seem of value to or for me. I wish I were more inquiring, more accepting, more…loving…unconditional. Please help me!

My eyes are dried out. It finally hit me and all I could do was cry. Big tears. Longing to leave my body. They wouldn’t stop. All the facades found to be only allusions of a recreated being. It was like looking into a mirror for the first time in what seems to be forever. Understanding doesn’t always come easy. Sometimes it takes staring hard into blunt realities. The adding up of all the logic in the world won’t provide the answer. Feelings have to be given permission to do their thing. Completely and utterly letting go of everything that holding on doesn’t allow. Realizing that it is ok to be vulnerable and imperfect more for myself than for anyone else. A mess of emotions running out with the tears. This is what being human is all about. Admitting to myself that I can’t do it all. I can’t be everything or everywhere I want to be. Just a speck. A twinkle. Grain of sand. Moment in time. Not able to be anything more or less than what God has created me to be. I wasn’t created to be able to do it all.
Understanding what happened a little better. What I must have made you feel like. We both felt helpless and victimized by the changes. Change is hard. Like taking all of our creations and turning them inside out until they are no longer recognizable by the same terms. For instance our favorite spot to sit and talk, where we go to get our coffee, or what makes our relationship different from others. It starts because something that once was. is less frequent and we convince ourselves that it is better to be completely banished than to be defined in different terms such as infrequent. It fits into an “all” or “nothing” mentality that ruins anything that might remain. Destroying the whole relationship and not working through the difficulties of change. Looking back I see it so clearly, but what do I do when the roles have changed? I feel like all the challenges still exist and I am part of their remains. Trying to hold on to the core while everything around it is morphing into something different.

“First they came for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no one
left to speak up for me.”


by Rev. Martin Niemoller, 1945

It was the perfect day. The skies were blue and there was a cool breeze. My friends and I were in Boston for a few days and we decided to walk through the Holocaust memorial. This was my second time through it and it impacted me just a deeply. I prefer to walk through it alone. This wasn’t our first activity we had been walking around a lot before making this stop. Our feelings about Boston were mixed. It is a beautiful city, but it seems like there is an underlying arrogance from some of the locals. Not only arrogance, but a bitterness. We felt out of place. It seemed as though you had to be a local to be part of what felt like was an elite group. Just before we arrived at the memorial we were walking around with our map trying to find it. As we were walking two women asked us what we were looking for. We told them we were looking for Fannuiel Hall. They said that we were very close and pointed us in the right direction. They also told us what areas of town to avoid after dark; they were a credible source because they worked for the D.A.’s office. It was one of the few congenial interactions we had while visiting Boston. I don’t think they had lived in Boston for their entire lives, but I would consider them locals if nothing other than to give them a boost for redemption. I hope that I can love people that I don’t know even if it is in a simple way. You never know when that person needs a gentle reminder to refresh their hope in humanity. This quote from Rev. Niemoller is a great reminder of what happens when we don’t take ever opportunity to help and love those around us. How do I get involved with things that don’t effect me directly? I must speak for those who don’t have a voice or aren’t given the platform they need. I want to plead the case of the forgotten.

I am sitting on the mountain looking down into the trees that are waiting for their time to bloom. Spring is piercing through the walls of winter. All is bringing hope to fruition. What will the new life look like? Will it represent the years past or will it be unrecognizably different? The buds are forming their blooming potential.

This unraveling and reknitting may take some time. The process continues to jaunt its way through my heart and mind. Should I expose myself to this emotional torture, or will it give me the freedom that the prisoners in Plato’s cave were in need of. I think that both what is tangible and intangible will reveal truths and progress will be made.

What does it mean when someone is willing to give back or reach out to their neighbor only after they are comfortable having the things they need and want? Is that selfish ambition or an honorable gesture? After all at least they aren’t hoarding all their money, and there are things they could have if they weren’t giving money away. What am I sacrificing to help others? What am I doing for those around me to make my community a better place to live? The feeling of wanting to love people and use the life and time I am given to effect change and in the most beneficial way possible is one that I share with many others. This weekend I had conversations with three different people who all felt persuaded in one way or another to be pioneers of change in whatever way they could in hopes of making this a better world. I can’t help but wonder what the point of making the world a better place to live in for future generations is if we aren’t connected to a source outside of ourselves. Is God inside of every human being because he created them? Is it just that not everyone has recognized him or connected to that source. I believe that there is some good to be found in everyone.

Hunger has no color. It only has a name. The name isn’t the same, but rather it is unique to every individual who struggles to survive the ugly grip of this hunger. Hunger is beckoned by the needs of the physical, mental and spiritual and can include any combination of the three. The color is never what gives it meaning but its name is what sets it apart.

Color is something that only the eye can see. Hunger can be seen and unseen. It can be recognized or unrecognized. It can be given attention or ignored. It is up to those that come in contact with the hunger, or become aware of its presence, to help. It is up to the rest to seek out the void and bring it to the attention of those who are able to assist in taking care of its most basic need-love. No matter what name hunger has, the biggest step to finding the cure is to show that hunger love.

Love can be very hard to give and equally as hard to receive. It is constantly being stretched. Every second is a new battle that love must make the choice whether or not to fight, and what weapon to use, and whether or not to back down when the odds are stacked against it. Love can grow like a flower and produce something beautiful or it can grow like a weed and be distorted into a masqueraded replica of what the roots were intended to produce. The weeds became distracted and transformed to be something that can be used to harm things around it. Something in its structure made the end product completely different from the beautiful flower that came from the same root system.

1 Peter 1

This month I will try to put spending time with God as a priority.  I am not going to set myself up for failure by setting my goal to high and saying I will spend a certain amount of hours each day reading my Bible and praying, but I have felt that my relationship with Christ is so important and spending time with Him is the foundation for everything else. I want to spend time with Him. So as I was reading through the Bible yesterday I finished up James and started reading in Peter.

Here is what I found interesting in the first chapter of Peter:

 v. 3-5 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! By his great mercy he has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who are being protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time."

Wow! I don't think that I can fully grasp this concept and I am going to spend the next few days thinking, praying, and re-reading it. But the words IMPERISHABLE-UNDEFILED-UNFADING seem so powerful. What do they mean?

Imperishable- enduring forever

Undefiled- pure

Unfading- not able to be worn down

Is there anything in which I can compare something like this too? What in this life is any or all of these words? I know things that are good and have similar qualities but nothing that will always last and always be pure.  Christ's love has proven to be these things over and over again.

I also really got caught on v. 22 "Now that you have purified your souls by your obedience to the truth so that you have genuine mutual love, love one another deeply from the heart."

So, being obedient to the truth purifies our hearts and allows us to love each other deeply. That is so beautiful to me. I want to be able to do that. I think there are times I do that, but I want to do it more and encompass more people. I find it easy to love some people but really hard to love others and I want this deep love to be for those that I find difficult to love. After all I know that it I can't be the easiest person to love, at least not always.

Perhaps more on this later...

How the typical day off is spent

I always have big plans for my days off...catch up on laundry, do the dishes, read, relax, etc. but then I also want to spend time with friends.  So today was as follows: some dishes and cleaning (but not enough to actually notice that I did these things)-lunch with a friend (amy and I had a good time we talked about life, music, work, and God...then we went on a drive to pick up some peanut butter pie for me to take to dinner at my brother's house)-working out at Malone-dinner with brother, sister-in-law, and cousin-book study with the girls.  I also tried to get in touch with mom and wish her a Happy Birthday.  Needless to say I didn't get much relaxing done, but I feel like I got a lot done and I don't think I would have spent the day any differently.  I guess I should wait to come to that conclusion until after working tomorrow in dirty clothes. :) 

The Feeling of the Day

So today seems to be pretty typical.  It's Wednesday and half the week is over and for some reason I am looking back and wondering what I have accomplished for the greater good.  This sends my mind into the abyss of the unknown. What will my future hold?  Will I be able to break out of the cycle of the ever unsatisfying 'American Dream' or will it devour me day-by-day and hour-by-hour until I am just another victim of its grip.  I have been thinking a lot lately and thinking leads to more thinking which sometimes doesn't get me anywhere because I don't take action and don't know how to make it applicable or tangible.

Some of the things I have thought today:

Why am I working for Starbucks?  

What are things I can do to help those around me?

Will I ever find my purpose?

Will I some day wake up and feel like I am helping to bring about positive change in my community and the lives of those around me?

What were the key components in Obama's "A More Perfect Union" speech, and what do I do with that?

These questions may seem simple or the answers may seem simplistic but i wrestle with the answers and in fact-only find more questions instead of a few answers.  I will continue to search, perhaps God will shed some light in His time...may I be granted patience and grace...